Most of us are lucky enough to have some great colleagues; they’re friendly, helpful and make what might otherwise be a dull working day, bearable.
Then there are others. People who make you wonder how it is possible in this day and age for supposedly intelligent and qualified people to be so socially and professionally inept. Don’t worry help is at hand. Below is some advice to help you deal with your dodgy colleagues.
Problem: When I say good morning they either don’t respond or they just grunt at me
Solution: In your friendliest and most upbeat tone say: ‘Morning Bitch’This is likely to generate a response.
Problem: When I walk in to the room, they all stop talking
Solution: Break the silence by saying: ‘My awesomeness will render you speechless at first but don’t worry, you’ll get used to it in time’
Problem: One particular colleague is so miserable and rude
Solution: Carefully place a piece of paper with a condom attached on your colleague’s desk. Write the contact details of one of your single friends on the piece of paper then add a post-it note saying, ‘I think you need this.’
Problem: My colleagues won’t take orders from me because of my race
Solution: Introduce a new team uniform which consists of two white sheets, one big, the other small. Cut two circles in the small sheet so your colleagues are able to see when it is placed over their heads. When they ask why they must wear this uniform, explain that you are eager for them to feel comfortable at work.
Problem: A colleague has turned everyone against me because s/he was unhappy with a decision I made, even though the decision was correct according to company policy.
Solution: If you are this colleague’s superior, give them the task of relaying one of the company’s newest and most unpopular policies to the rest of the team under the guise of giving him/her more responsibility. If you are not this colleague’s superior, wait until everyone is talking to you again then ‘inadvertently’ reveal all the nasty things s/he has ever said about other members of staff.
Problem: There’s this one colleague who never shuts up about their religion and is constantly trying to insinuate that their religion is superior to everyone else’s
Solution: Clearly it is unprofessional to bring religion in to work – unless you work in a Church, Mosque, Synagogue, Monastery etc – so when your colleague introduces the topic, sing or hum O Fortuna (the theme tune of The Omen) very loudly while making the sign of the cross with your fingers. You may have to do this on several occasions before they finally stop talking to you about their religious beliefs.