To Whom it May Concern…

appApplying for jobs is a boring, tiring and long-winded process. The last thing anyone wants to do when they get home from a hard days work in a job that eats away at their soul every single day is to sit in front of a computer looking at pages and pages of jobs with shite pay, amending a CV (or resume depending on which part of the world you’re from) for the millionth time, composing covering letters and answering poorly devised questions on an application form.

Aside from the sheer monotony of it all, trying to say the same thing in different ways whilst trying to appear enthusiastic in every application can be difficult to say the least.

Perhaps the process would be a lot easier if we could just be honest in each application instead of playing the game of saying what employers claim they want to hear: ‘I enjoy working as part of a team’, ‘I have excellent communication skills’ blah blah blah.

Even if these statements and others are true, after a while they’re just words and even worse, they’re words that every other applicant will use for the same purpose.

What if we could be absolutely honest in our applications knowing that our submission wouldn’t be dismissed?   What would you write?

I think mine would read:

Dear Sir/Madam

Re: My application for the post of….

I would like to apply for the post of… as advertised on….

Generally speaking I require an assortment of creative and inspiring tasks to keep me engaged as I get bored rather easily. Someone once told me that only boring people find things boring but I stopped listening to him after that because he bored me.

I detest having to sit at a desk for hours every day so the opportunity to leave the office every now and then would be great, not only for my mental wellbeing but also for my ever increasing waistline and un-shapely arse.

Having had the misfortune of working with some rather unfortunate characters, my ideal team would be comprised of humorous, down-to-earth, friendly people of all ages and races – specifically varying races as I enjoy working and socialising with people from a variety of cultures. I am also tired of being in the ‘minority’ in practically nearly every place I have ever worked – being both black and an albino, well, you can imagine – so some multiculturalism and, while we’re at it some multidisabilityism, (yes I made up a word – that’s my creativity coming through) would not only be nice but might also take some of the heat off me.

In all honesty unless this is a job that involves writing of some kind, I’m pretty much applying for the money. Sure, something about the role attracted me to apply (I am probably interested, moved or see the importance of the work of your organisation) but my dream job involves creative writing in some shape or form. This is not to say, however, that I wouldn’t excel in this role. I’m very hard working and take pride in everything I do, even if it’s something I’m not passionate about doing.

I would say I’m a team player, mainly because that’s what you’re honestyexpected to say when applying for jobs but in the interests of honesty I would say that although I can work as part of a team, and sometimes even enjoy it, I actually prefer to work alone, mainly because there’s less drama and I find that things have a tendency to move a lot quicker when you don’t have to wait for four or five other members of staff to okay every piece of work you do. Also, if possible, my own office would be nice as I enjoy my own company. I sometimes like to listen to Radio 4 or Kisstory while I work and when I have quite a lot to do that requires my full attention, distractions in the form of people talking, taking calls, typing and breathing can be very annoying.

One quality that I think you will appreciate is my endless amount of patience. Seriously, I have had some shit managers over the years – you wouldn’t believe the kinds of people some organisations put in management positions – yet despite the temptation and ignoring the greater good, I have refrained from stabbing any of them which I think, and I hope you would agree, shows great restraint on my part.

I did graduate from a very trendy London university with a 2:1 in Journalism but that was seven years ago so I’m guessing you don’t really care. In more recent news however, I have completed and passed accredited training in Mental Health Awareness; Equality and Diversity and Education and Training (the latter basically means that I’m qualified to design and deliver training to adults) so yey me! I appreciate that these are very random certificates but as I mentioned earlier, I need to have an assortment of different and interesting tasks to keep the boredom at bay.

I’m a pretty nice person; good natured, friendly, and hardworking but moody as Hell and whilst I can be sociable, there is a limit to the amount of time I wish to spend with others. I love all things creative and enjoy new and exciting challenges. I hope that you will consider me for a role within your organisation.

I look forward to hearing from you.

 Kind regards,

 KBQ

Okay, so I’m greatly exaggerating in the honesty department but fellow jobseekers, you understand where I’m coming from right?

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